I admit, discovering not only that there even IS a Type 2 Bipolar, but that it may explain my AMAZING AUGUST and LOST SEPTEMBER, was both thrilling and mind-numbingly debilitating. Both reactions are kinda on the nose, though, Bi-Po wise!
So I took a few days (after researching online and comparing my daily journals to the listed symptoms) to kind of let this sink in. Okay, I FORCED MYSELF to sit and let it sink in. Because even HEARING from my young GP doctor that there is such a thing was kinda mind-blowingly world-spinningly change-tacular. And almost right away I wanted to TELL EVERYONE I’VE EVER MET to let them know there was a LEGIT reason why I’ve been a Crazy Lump all these years.
And so! Even though I’m not on different medication yet, I emailed everyone I’ve ever met to say I’m 90% sure. And not because I wanted any feedback, really, I was just pumped to be able to say: Guys!! I have a THING!! Not “just” depression. Let’s fix it!
And as I was updating this here website, I got 2 loving and sweet responses that both called me “brave.” Which I mulled for a bit, ate some lunch, and then THAT OTHER SHOE DROPS and I’m like: holy sh*t I’m bipolar. And as if I’d punctured a floating raft, all the air just whizzed right out of me. Deflating me onto the couch, mind, body and soul. And a headache/ migraine starts blooming, and all I want to do is hibernate in my dark bedroom until forever. (And I do! And I’m better today.)
I’m feeling low right now, but my BRAIN is restless/ bored. It’s like… remember when you’re around 8 or 9, and summer just won’t END and your friends are on vacation and you’ve played with all the toys and done ALL THE THINGS and your mom’s like: what about ___? or going ____? And your arms go all floppy and you’re fed up and just like, “no… no… Nooo-wuh!” My brain is having a temper-tantrum like that today. It’s bored with all the TV, and restless, and pouty. And my “inner mom patiently is saying:
“Well! What about doing some crochet? You like crochet! No? Ok… how about reading your Russell Brand book? Your e-reader’s frozen? Oh! Ok… what about going for a walk? No?!… Well, I have a toilet that needs cleaning? If you’re so bored you could do THAT!”.
And all of a sudden posting a blog sounded really good… Ahhh, the old “I’ve got some chores for you if you’re bored” trick even works on 41 year-olds! Who knew?
And I know I could check my email right now because I have 14 (!) new ones, but I just don’t want to hear anything positive about myself right now. Which I know sounds counter-intuitive to you NORMS out there. But I just don’t want to have a ‘good cry’ right now. I don’t have that energy to lose, I guess! And I know there are loving, supportive messages just WAITING for me right now. And I truly am so grateful! I just don’t want/ CAN’T fail everyone again. And maybe THAT is why I hit the couch so hard after that email? Well!! I guess all I can do is try. Again.
Oh, Internet! You’ve solved another problem! Is there anything you CAN’T do?
For some laughs and thoughts about depression “to make you go Hmmmm…” try Neal Brennan’s “3 Mics” on Netflix (I’ve linked it right to the Netflix.) I’ve seen it 4 or 5 times and a laugh, cry, and laugh-cry every time! Actually, even Tantrum-brain agrees that a 6th viewing at this time would be just the ticket…
(Stay tuned for more: “And I already THOUGHT I WAS in a midlife crisis!!” Let’s double down, Universe!!! There’s nowhere to go but UP!!)